Shame that we carry from the past can be a burden so heavy and toxic that it can feel paralyzing. Because shame thrives in secrecy, today's post will look openly at it and share a few simple things that have helped me immensely in my journey with intense shame from my past.
Healthy Shame?
Before I share the lifelines that have helped me climb out of the depths of my shame, it might be a good idea to make a clear distinction between healthy, natural shame and toxic, unhealthy shame.
In its healthiest form, shame is an emotion that provides a deep sense of personal accountability. When we do something we register as lacking integrity or out of line with our core values, shame floods through us, alerting us to the misstep, like an emotional alarm.
This healthy shame relates to a specific incident and alerts us to how we can learn from it and grow as individuals. It helps us build character and take responsibility for the inevitable mistakes of these human lives.
Toxic shame, however, is not related to a specific, acute incident. It is a chronic, persistent feeling that we are fundamentally bad. Not that we made (or make) mistakes here and there like all people, but that we are fundamentally flawed shameful monsters. If you're like me, you are familiar with this kind of inner voice and the potent emotional/physiological fireworks that often accompany it. It can feel like poison pouring through the body it is such a strong force.
Some academics and psychologists make the distinction between guilt and shame to highlight the two different dynamics I just described: Guilt (or healthy shame) is associated with having done something that caused some harm or was a mistake. Shame (or toxic shame) is not associated with a particular incident that can be learned from - it is a chronic sense of self-loathing.
In my experience, these two types of shame can overlap. Still, understanding this distinction can be very helpful in freeing ourselves from chronic, debilitating toxic shame.
Share Your Shame (With Trustworthy People)
Shame thrives in secrecy. The more we try to hide from those charged things we carry great shame around from our past, the more energy they seem to gather. They fester and rot, becoming more toxic and intense.
Speaking openly about these very things can be one of the most freeing and healing actions we can undertake. There is an important caveat to emphasize: We must find trustworthy people to share with.
When sharing something vulnerable, surrounded by shame and intense emotions, it is of vital importance to choose people who are empathetic, nonjudgemental, gentle, understanding, and supportive.
If we share such intense parts of ourselves with people who are stuck deep in their own pattern of shame and judgement, we might end up being judged/shamed in the midst of our vulnerable sharing, which will probably make us want to climb right back into the hole of self-loathing and secrecy we were trying to climb out of.
Because of this, I really can’t overemphasize the importance of sharing with trustworthy people. Sometimes that might mean a counsellor or therapist, other times it will mean a safe and compassionate friend. I am blessed to have a few of these angelic types of people in my life, and it is magnificent.
Speaking about our shame-charged experiences with safe people can have very profound effects. The simple act of sharing is of great significance, as is the outside perspective of someone whose vision isn't distorted by the hallucinatory effects of our shame. The clear eyes of our empathetic peers can sometimes help us see things from a bigger perspective.
Again, shame thrives in secrecy. It comes undone in the light of openness and sharing - with trustworthy people.
Take Corrective Action
When we are experiencing shame around a specific event or incident, taking corrective action can be a very simple, straightforward way of answering the emotional alarm bell our shame is sending us.
For example, if I was feeling shame about lying to someone, I could correct that by choosing to be gratuitously honest with them from here onwards.
Once I did everything I could on that level, when my shame came shrieking into my mind and body telling me how horrible I was because of that lying incident, I could very confidently show it the practical, tangible steps I’d taken to learn and grow. I could have the humility to admit I’d made a mistake, and the peace of knowing I’d taken responsibility for it, however much of a mess it had been, and was doing what I could to grow stronger in my character in the wake of it.
Sometimes, an individual might get stuck in a toxic shame-driven pattern of taking corrective actions endlessly in a way that is unbalanced. Also, when our shame is not related to anything we’ve done wrong, but rather something deeper we carry chronically, there may be no tangible corrective action to take (other than speaking to good people who can validate our innocence). But a lot of the time, when our shame is related to a specific life choice or experience where we betrayed ourselves or another, taking corrective actions can be a very simple, straightforward, sacred thing.
Find The Innocence
This is the final useful tip I have for softening intense shame today. I call it finding the innocence, and maybe a personal example is necessary to describe it:
Over a decade ago, my first book was published. Without going into any great detail, shortly after that book was published, I underwent a very significant shift in my beliefs, values, and self-awareness. Because of this, I felt a massive disconnect from what I had written in that book, almost immediately after it was released. The exuberant ideals I had championed confidently in its pages no longer rang true to me.
For years, this caused me an enormous amount of shame and embarrassment. I felt a pang of shame course through my body like a poison whenever the subject came up. And although I wished that the book and everything surrounding it would just disappear from my life, the past always has a way of living on in the present. And this particular part of my past was in print, with thousands of people reading it.
And so my shame festered. Eventually, as I spoke about it more with good people, it began to calm down. I began to find a clearer perspective.
I also reflected on the things that I felt I’d done wrong - the things triggering my intense shame response. The biggest mistake felt like a voice of arrogance, righteousness, judgement, and speaking confidently on matters beyond my frame of reference or experience that was present in my writing.
When I wrote my latest book, How To Open The Heart, I was able to take these lessons into my creative process and wrote a book that is entirely rooted in my personal experience. It’s a story - a raw, personal account, nothing more, nothing less. There are no universal declarations made, just the honesty of my life.
In this way, I took corrective action.
But perhaps what has been most healing for the heavy shame I’ve carried around that first book has been something I’ll call finding the innocence.
When I looked for the innocence at the heart of that first book, and my innocence at the time of its creation, it was not hard to find. I simply asked myself: Was that book laced with my unresolved emotional baggage, projections, and anger?
The answer was a simple YES.
I then asked myself: Was there an innocence at the heart of that book despite these imperfections?
Again, the answer was a clear YES.
That book is like a child. And if I’d had a child at that point in my life, it would have certainly absorbed some of the emotional storm going on within me. And it would have still been sacred to the core.
When I looked for the innocence in that book, I had to look at it this way. I had to acknowledge the sacred. The innocence behind my mistakes and imperfect choices at that time. When I do this, my shame really shifts.
And though I am talking about a specific personal example, we can all look for innocence at the heart of our shameful past experiences.
For example, if I held strong shame about a past relationship, finding the innocence might look like the following:
Did I choose to put myself into a relationship that I knew was going to hurt me over and over?
YES.
Was there an innocence at the core of that choice?
YES. There usually is. Maybe it was just a desire to be liked. To be seen. To be cared about. Regardless of such details, finding the innocence is a profound thing. It can soften and melt the grip of toxic shame. And we still get to learn from our mistakes and grow, but with a lighter heart, and with more capacity for responsible, corrective action. Crawling into a cave to lay alone in the paralysis of chronic shame does nothing to help us grow or correct any mistakes, after all.