It’s been about three or four weeks since my life suddenly shifted to the period of self isolation and social distancing we’re all currently navigating. At the moment, I can clearly see the blessings of this - but I won’t pretend that it hasn’t put me face to face with parts of myself that are aching and screaming at times. It actually turns out that confronting this pain is the blessing for me right now, and that’s exactly what I want to dive into the details of in today’s post.
Let me be completely honest (and it’s okay if you laugh here, I won’t be hurt): There is a part of me that feels like a bottomless void. It’s a part deep inside that feels perpetually incomplete, like there’s something devastatingly missing inside, something totally essential that would make me whole, that would give me worth or a sense of belonging or love or completion. I’m not sure any of those words capture the sense of fulfillment it seeks, but the seeking, the insatiable yearning, is no small thing. It’s accompanied by a feeling of insecurity and angst, because since there’s always something missing in me, there’s always a scarcity, a deficit. At least that is what this part of me believes - there are other parts of me that feel amazing. But I want to talk about the insatiable one today.
This part always sees the missing element as something to reach for on the outside - often in the form of female energy/attention, but any form of energy, attention, acceptance or power has some allure. And the worst part (or most comical, depending on your perspective) of this is that no amount of such energy or acceptance will ever satiate it. I think this part could swallow the world and it wouldn’t be enough, because the thing he craves to fill, the void that wants to be smothered with external reassurance, it’s actually an illusion.
There is no void. There is no missing element. As Bjork beautifully sang in the nineties: “How could I be so immature, to think he could replace the missing elements in me? How extremely lazy of me.”
Well, my understanding is, my immaturity isn’t just mistakenly trying to get others to replace the missing elements in me, it’s believing there are missing elements in the first place.
I am rambling now though - on their own these ideas, this self awareness, does very little to shift the gnawing pain and insecurity this place in me feels. Taking that awareness and doing something with it, however, actually can shift things. I’m really excited to share with you some of my most recent explorations into this today.
Playing With My Insatiable One
As I mentioned above, being in self isolation has given me some space to sit with this part of myself, to see it clearly rearing its love-starved head, and it’s been pretty wonderful to explore in new ways.
For the sake of brevity, I’ll try to really cut to the chase of my process as of late: I will notice the insatiable yearning arise. Usually, lately, it’s in relation to women. Someone I am interacting with, someone I am attracted to, maybe we’ve both expressed interest in one another, maybe not. This part of me gets totally swept up - it sees something in them so bright and alluring (maybe their sexual attractiveness, maybe their nurturing heart), and feels a sense of yearning that is literally painful. It feels ungrounded, the intensity is so much, the draw so strong. It feels insecure - there’s a neediness, a hopefulness, a desire for approval, validation, acceptance, some form of energy that it wants to receive, and it is reduced to a shell of a man without this. It feels weak, yearning for the other, not firmly planted in its own power.
The richness it perceives in the other triggers its own sense of lack and unworthiness. I know it well enough to know that even when/if it receives the energy it seeks from the outside, it will still be weak. It will not be satisfied for long (if at all). It’s not possible for it to be, because its entire sense of self is built on a misconception (being fundamentally incomplete or unworthy).
I don’t think this is uncommon (at all), but the way I’ve been able to sit with it and watch it lately is really rewarding.
When this gnawing feeling pops up, I have occasionally been pausing, stepping back, and being with it. Then, asking the question: What is it that feels so good to you about this person? What’s the energy you want to feel more of that they appear to possess (and I say appear to possess because they might not actually be holding it, it may just be my projection)?
In one case, it was nurturance - that’s what it wanted to feel.
So my follow up question was: Do you have access to that type of energy in you right now?
The answer was an immediate yes. Then, the question was, can we make contact with that nurturance in us, and fill ourselves with that energy right now?
In the case of nurturance, it was very, very easy to reach that place in me. I located it in my heart, and I could feel how gracious and loving and beautiful it was. I was meditating at the time, laying on the floor with my eyes closed, and I let my imagination flow into this exploration. I let this nurturing part of myself basically shower me with all the love I would want to receive from another - pure, unflinching, sacred, completely unconditional - and it felt absolutely amazing, like a beautiful celebration for every part of me.
After my meditation, I went about my chores for the morning and noticed something really striking - I was whistling and dancing as I folded my laundry. I was standing taller than usual, my heart felt more joyful, more full, I was way less insecure (actually, I think I just wasn’t insecure).
It was a stark contrast from the place I might have gone if I continued believing, even in a distant corner of my mind, that some beautiful other possessed a rare and precious energy I lacked and was painfully desirous of. That guy is a shell of a man - brittle, insecure, protected, grasping, unhappy with himself.
I’ve been repeating this process over the past week or two: Noticing the yearning, asking what the essential energy is that I am wanting to experience, then asking if there is a place in me that contains such energy. It feels like just acknowledging that such energy could exist in me is powerful. Then the dance of actually exploring it, making contact with it, is a whole other thing.
Sometimes the process is more complex - there are places that have been more beat down, burdened by shame, cynicism or neglect that must be addressed before the underlying energy I am yearning for can be accessed. It’s always different.
In some ways, a lot of what I am sharing is cliche. We all know that people can’t fill the emotional or spiritual void in themselves with external sources of power and attention. But actually having a conversation with my yearning, and finding new ways of accessing what it seeks within myself directly and tangibly, is quite a blessing indeed.
And I know that although we don’t always talk about or acknowledge these insatiable parts of ourselves openly, I’m far from alone in this dance. Just acknowledging and letting it be okay that this dynamic exists within us feels pretty powerful, and playing around with meeting these needs in a way that is empowering - and challenging the story that we are in ourselves incomplete or unworthy - is such a powerful adventure to embark on.
That’s all for today everyone, if this post stirred anything for you, leave a comment below or send me a message - I’d love to hear from you!